Why Victims Side with Their Abusers: The Psychology of Bondage and Survival
Introduction
This question about human psychology often baffles me: “Why do abuse victims tend to side with their abusers?” Time and again, I see people who, despite suffering, seem unable or unwilling to release themselves from the shadows of those who hurt them—even when escape appears to be the most obvious choice. Human behavior often defies simple logic. The answer, I’ve come to realize, is not just about loyalty or agreement; it stems from a web of psychological, emotional, and cultural pressures.
1. Trauma Bonding
Firstly, there is trauma bonding. Abusers often use moments of “kindness” as rewards, a calculated mechanism of manipulation. This cycle of affection and abuse programs the victim to crave the next high, much like a person addicted to a substance. Because the abuser controls when these good feelings are released, the victim misinterprets them as genuine care—when in reality, they are part of the trap.
2. Survival Strategy
Secondly, the victim may feel that compliance is the best strategy for survival. Any form of resistance toward the abuser can lead to harsher punishment. To minimize harm, the victim learns to align with the abuser, not out of loyalty, but as a protective instinct to reduce the pain they must endure.
3. Gaslighting and Religious Misuse
Thirdly, abusers often use gaslighting and psychological manipulation to control their victims. By twisting facts, denying wrongdoing, or shifting blame, the abuser gradually makes the victim question their own perception of reality. A particularly damaging form of this is the misuse of religion. For example, a husband might insist that his wife must obey him “because God commands it.” Similarly, a parent may use the same reasoning to control a child, or a ruler to subdue their subjects. In such cases, resistance is framed not merely as disobedience to the abuser, but as disobedience to divine authority. This tactic not only distorts faith but also deepens the victim’s confusion, leaving them torn between their spiritual beliefs and their own sense of justice.
4. Isolation and Shame
Fourthly, the abuser isolates the victim—mentally, socially, and sometimes physically—so that they cannot seek help from the outside. Over time, only the abuser’s viewpoint is left to be seen as valid and true. Sometimes, the abuser also makes the victim feel worthless or dishonoured for even considering leaving the relationship. This enforced isolation, reinforced by shame, deepens the victim’s dependency and ensures that the abuser’s narrative becomes the sole reality the victim can rely on.
5. Hope, Dependency, and Identity
Fifthly, it is about the victim’s hope, dependency, and identity. Many victims believe that if they endure the suffering long enough, their patience will eventually win the battle, or the abuser will repent. At the same time, dependency—whether financial, emotional, or even legal, such as the right to reside—can bind the victim to the abuser. Beyond practical needs, identity also plays a powerful role. In some cultures, leaving a marriage or family bond is seen as dishonourable, a betrayal of duty, or even mutiny, no matter how clear the signs of abuse may be. For others, fulfilling one’s role is treated as a moral or spiritual obligation: suffering becomes a test from God. In such cases, blame falls not on the abuser, but on the victim for failing to endure.
6. Shame and Stigma
Finally, it is about shame and stigma. Victims may outright refuse to admit that they have been abused. It is already painful enough to endure life with the abuser—how could they also bear the added shame of exposing it? As mentioned earlier, in some cultures, strict social roles must be fulfilled, and saving one’s face is essential for survival within societal customs and expectations. To admit being a victim may bring disrepute not only to the individual, but to the family or community, and it may even open a Pandora’s box of abuses that have been silently accepted for generations in the name of tradition. As the common saying goes, people are warned not to “wash dirty linen in public.”
Conclusion
At the core, humans long for connection—not just superficially, not merely by performing roles, but through profound bonds of trust and care. Yet many do not know how to initiate, build, sustain, or grow such relationships. For some, the only form of connection they recognize is trauma bonding, a pattern inherited through personal wounds, mental illness, or poor upbringing. When repeated across generations, this creates a society full of both abusers and victims.
To break this cycle, we must first acknowledge that some of our cultural and social norms carry abusive tendencies. These must be rejected, not excused. Abuse in any form must be called out and left behind. Seeing one another as equals—unique souls navigating this mortal realm—is the foundation of healthier relationships. People are different, and those differences deserve acceptance, not condemnation.
Finally, we must commit to learning how to communicate with clarity, regulate our emotions, and tread carefully with shame. Shame is not a virtue, but a tool of control. What we need instead is transparency, openness, and love that uplifts rather than destroys. True love is creative, not destructive; infinite, not conditional; empowering, not restrictive. Only then can we begin to replace cycles of abuse with cycles of growth.